Hurt Feelings


Last week was Ladies Bible Study and we had a fantastic evening of biblical teaching, fellowship and Miss Donna's incredible apple bovarian torte. Mom taught the lesson and it was so good I thought I would share some of her notes (with her permission) here! The topic was "Hurt Feelings," and it was based on chapter five in Martha Peace's excellent book, Damsels in Distress. Be warned - it's convicting!

Intentional Hurts
This is how we began - looking at how to respond when people intentionally hurt our feelings, whether through a spiteful comment, slander, gossip, etc. There were eight basic biblical principles for how we are to overcome intentional hurts.

1. Show love to God and the person sinning against you. We must forgive and show kindness and patience. It is also helpful to think about things from the person sinning against you's perspective - what are they going through right now?
2. Thank God for the test. This is a chance to give into temptation or to grow in Christ-likeness.
3. Overcome evil with good. My mom said wisely, "You do not have to feel like it, you do not have to desire it, and the other person does not have to deserve it, but you do have to respond righteously."
4. Give a blessing instead. (1 Peter 3:9)
5. Pray for those who mistreat you. Pray for grace to respond to the situation and pray for their repentance.
6. Speak the truth in love. (Ephesians 4:15 and Proverbs 15:28)
7. Lovingly confront the person who is sinning against you. (Galatians 6:1 and Matthew 18:15-20)
8. Bring other witnesses into the situation if necessary. (Matthew 18)

Unintentional Hurts
Then we turned to how to respond to someone who has unintentionally hurt our feelings - whether through a careless comment, a perceived insinuation, or anything we take as offensive. The first thing we discussed here was the sin of judging motives. Only God sees the heart. We can think we see the heart and make up any motives we want, but we cannot know the truth unless we seek clarification.

But what is the process when our feelings are hurt by someone completely unintentionally? First we must ask ourselves an important question,

Who am I most concerned about right now?

We have two answers to choose from - either myself or the other person. If we say "myself," then we have to ask ourselves a few more questions,

Am I being overly sensitive? Is what was done or said true and said in love? Did I judge motives? Am I refusing or unwilling to deal with the situation because it would make me uncomfortable?

Finally we must acknowledge our sin and repent! But what if we had chosen "the other person" as who we're most concerned about? Then we must ask,

Do I need to seek clarification?

And then we have two biblical responses:

1. The best thing for the other person is for me to overlook the offense in love.
2. Or the best thing for the other person is for me to point out their sin in order to bring them to a right relationship with God and others.

Like everything else, we must respond biblically to hurt feelings in a way that will most demonstrate the character of Christ and bring Him the most glory.