And many times it wasn't our fault. We were misunderstood. Or people lashed out at us defensively. People read into us. They made faulty assumptions. They heard what we weren't saying.
We have all dealt with conflict on the internet, sometimes well and sometimes poorly. And if you haven't dealt with it yet, hang in there. It will come.
Here are five things I have learned from dealing with it.
1. Realize that you can't read the nonverbal.
You don't hear tone of voice. You can't see facial expressions. You don't see eye rolls or hear sighs. Emoticons and colons and parentheses are not true substitutes for nonverbal communication.
2. So don't see what's not there.
Don't get a bee in your bonnet over perceived hurtfulness. You can attempt to read a tone, but you can never be sure of it.
In a course I'm taking on interpersonal communication, my textbook talks about a concept called perception checking. This is safeguarding your interpretation of a situation by doing three things: 1) explaining a witnessed behavior/reiterating a stated message, 2) offering more than one potential interpretation, and then 3) asking for clarity.
For example, "You said in your comment that the article I posted was silly and irrelevant. Was that because you disagreed with the article's message or because you didn't like how it was written? What did you mean by that?"
3. Be painfully clear.
People are liable to misunderstand things. The internet is a notorious breeding ground for errant interpretations. We've all been guilty of that. Misunderstandings happen.
So a way to avoid them is to be as explicitly clear as possible.
4. Don't respond when you're upset.
Sometimes people leave comments or write emails that hurt us and need to be dealt with. We can be tempted to respond in the heat of anger. Don't. Your message will be emotionalized, lack tempered rationality, and will come across as defensive.
Cool down first. Think. Pray. Talk to someone about it - not to vent but to get an outsider's input.
Then go back to your computer and respond. You'll be thankful for it later.
5. Avoid conflict (maybe).
Yes, avoid conflict sometimes. There are definitely times when you need to engage in conflict (which you can and must do to the glory of God). But there are other times when you don't.
There's a pretty well-known comic that shows a man typing on the computer late at night. His wife says, "Are you coming to bed?" He replies, "I can't. This is important." "What?" she says.
"Someone is wrong on the internet."
We don't have to embroil ourselves in every internet conflict. Sometimes we can just let things go.
"So, whether you eat or drink, [or write Facebook statuses or blog posts or emails or deal with conflict on the internet] or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God."
- 1 Corinthians 10:31