Of Sin, Self-Deprecation, and Vulnerability

My first job interview was for a small children's clothing boutique in my local mall. Few things do I remember so distinctly about that interview as the manager telling me this: "Everyone loves shopping for kids. It's not like a clothing store for women where you hear, 'I'm so fat,' 'I'm so ugly.' No, seriously. Everybody loves shopping for kids." At the time I just smiled and said, "Sure," because, theoretically, I got what she was saying.

And then I started working at a women's clothing store and everything changed. No longer merely conceptual, self-deprecation became a part of my everyday world. Every shift I hear it.

"This makes my arms look fat."

"I would look good in this if I just lost twenty pounds."

"I've gone up a size and I hate myself." 

Especially during and after the guilty pleasures of Christmas and Valentine's Day, the self-deprecating talk becomes more prevalent.

What breeds this is insecurity, a universal parasite that invades every woman's life in some shape or form, something that makes her lash out in defense. But as I reflected upon this, I realized that I have equally heard Christian women (and men) speak self-deprecatingly, whether it's about their looks, their actions, their attitudes, or a dozen other things - myself included. And I have to come to see that it looks both out of place and ugly on them. In fact, I would go so far as to say that I believe it is sin.

Self-deprecation is a form of false humility. Some people harp on themselves just for the sheer pleasure of hearing you contradict them. But others don't realize that this sort of talk draws prideful attention to the speaker.

Furthermore, it makes others feel awkward! I can't count the amount of times I've not known how to respond to self deprecation. Do I make a joke? Offer sympathy?

But self-deprecation is also a defense against vulnerability, a thin veneer over our insecurity, something that is equally important to recognize. We think that if we're open and talkative about our flaws that it somehow makes us invincible to the pain they cause us. But this is a dangerous and unhealthy way for the Christian to manage her fears and struggles. Self-deprecation is a form of pride, but at its root lies a need for godly wisdom on how to deal with our insecurity and shame.

So open up the conversation. We can all be guilty of craving attention and succumbing to the shame of insecurity. Repent and be honest. Seek out godly mentors. Talk to your pastor. Most importantly, bury yourself in the Word.

For the follower of Christ, we have been freed from the bondage of self-belittlement and loathing. We have been deemed worthy because of the blood of Christ. He has made us His. That should cause us to bask in humility.

And that will make us beautiful.

What Makes Women Happy?

The Women's Movement, also called the Feminist Movement, began in the 1960's with the purpose of making women happy. Betty Friedan concluded that women's traditional role (as married housewives) was imprisoning them and they needed to be liberated. They needed to be economically independent. They needed to be in the world.

And it was all because of the question: What makes women happy? Friedan and the feminists thought the answer lay "out there," in the world. A recent study published in TIME says something different. Mary Kassian explains that the answer to what makes women happy does not lie in world, or economic independence. It lies in a relationship with Jesus. Watch Mary Kassian below:


What Makes Women Happy?
from Desiring God on Vimeo.

The Most Important Social Institution

Right now, in our day and age, traditional marriage as defined in Scripture between one man and one woman is not very popular. Culture calls that idea outdated, but okay if it's just one choice among others (i.e. LGBTQ marriages). But as soon as you say it's the only right, pure type of marriage, things get vicious. Culture calls you intolerant, says you're against progress, labels you a hate offender. But God has given this sacred institution of marriage for man and woman, not for man and man or woman and woman. (Genesis 2:18-24) People don't like to hear that, but these Irish filmmakers who stand up for traditional marriage created this video to talk about it. It's short, but it's an excellent conversation starter.

Worldview vs. Biblical View: Motherhood

In this new series, I aim to look at a few important issues and the two views in which they are looked at - worldview vs. biblical view. So, for the first installment, we're going to look at the issue of motherhood and gender roles from a worldview and a biblical view. Let's start with the worldview.

The Worldview: Career Before Kids

The other day, Mom, Travis and I were watching an episode of a CBS show called Undercover Boss, in which the CEO or owner of a company goes undercover and works with their employees to see how their company actually runs. We started an episode about the CEO of Great Wolf Lodge Resorts. The CEO, Kim Schaefer, highlighted the world's view of motherhood perfectly. Sadly, but accurately. When they shot personal clips of Kim with her stay-at-home husband and two teenagers, this is what she said:

"If it were up to me, I'd probably work all the time. When I had Max, I had him on a Friday, and I was back to work on Monday! I travel a lot. I probably travel about 75% of the time. There are always reality checks with the kids, that they're sick of you being gone. You know, it's hard. But I've always felt I need to work, that I need to have my career in order to be a better mom. It's hard to describe why it's so important to me, but I feel like I have to have both."

The world says that mothers need to work. In the world's eyes, if a mother actually stays at home and raises her children, well, she's simply throwing her life away. Wasting perfectly good potential. As Kim Schaefer, so deceived by the world's view of motherhood, said, "I've always felt I need to work." She feels that way because the world has told her so. And, in the meantime, she has clearly (maybe unknowingly, yet still obviously) sacrificed her kids for her work. She has chosen a career over her kids. Now, I recognize that there are definitely some situations where a mother must work and should work (e.g. single mother) but, if a woman usurps her husband's authority and leaves the home to work, letting her husband take care of the kids and run the house, well then, gender roles and motherhood have been terribly misconstrued.

The Biblical View: Getting My Priorities Straight

The Bible portrays a mother much differently. The biblical view comes down to what a mother's priorities are. The world teaches that I am number one. I look out for my interests and what I want best. Then, the world tells me, my career comes next. And then, after my work, I can have my family. The world says, "Fit your kids around your career." But the biblical view completely twists that around. The Bible says that God is to always come first in a mother's (and in everyone's!) life. God before me. Then, the Bible says, a family is to come next, husband and then kids. A career is somewhere near the bottom of the ladder for a woman who's priorities match up with the Word of God.

So what are some priorities that a mother following God has? Titus 2:3-5 says, "Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled." Those are the qualifications for a biblical mother. They're pretty high standards, but we should always be striving to achieve them - even those of us who aren't moms! Because, one day, when my time on earth is done, I want it to be said of me as it was said of the godly Proverbs 31 woman:

"Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." 

(Proverbs 31:25-30)

What Colossians Says About the Family: Part 4

"Wives, submit to your husbands as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and don't be bitter toward them. Children, obey your parents in everything for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so they become discouraged." Colossians 3:18-21

Today, we end our series on the family by looking at the head of the family,

"Fathers ..."

First, let's look at the first part of this command to fathers - "do not exasperate your children." Dictionary.com defines this word exasperate as: "to irritate or provoke to the highest degree; annoy extremely." The Merriam-Webster Dictionary says simply, "to excite the anger of." Needless to say, this is a serious thing. Other translations have defined this word as "provoke," "embitter," "aggravate," and "be so hard upon." Basically, it comes down to a father provoking his child to anger, or "discourage[ment]."

But what exactly does that mean? A child being "discouraged"? John Piper has more to say on this:

"The goal of a good father is to rear children who are not discouraged. The word implies losing heart, being listless, spiritless, disinterested, moody, sullen, with a kind of blank resignation toward life. Don't be the kind of father who rears that kind of person. Instead develop a style of fatherhood that produces the opposite of discouragement. Now what is that? I would sum it up in three characteristics: The opposite of being discouraged is being hopeful. The opposite of being discouraged is being happy. The opposite of being discouraged is being confident and courageous.

So I would say that the negative form of verse 21 really implies a positive command as well. It says, "Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged." But it means not only avoid one kind of fatherhood; it also means pursue another kind, namely, the kind of fatherhood which gives hope instead of discouragement; and gives happiness instead of discouragement; and gives confidence and courage."

So fathers are to raise kids that are hopeful, happy, and confident and courageous in the Lord. That sounds like a big task. And it is! But it's also a blessing. I know my dad recognizes the huge responsibility he has as a father, but also embraces it and cherishes it.

Now, last but not least, just because Paul only mentions fathers in this passage, he does not negate the mother's role in the familial setting either. Remember on Tuesday when we looked at verse 20, "Children, obey your parents." Then we looked over at Ephesians 6:2, where Paul quotes Exodus 20:12, saying, "Honor your father and mother." (emphasis mine) Throughout the Scriptures, especially the Proverbs, a mother's role is lifted up and honoured. So, though Colossians 3:21 focuses on the father's role and we discussed primarily the father's role, the mother's role is still very important!

The bottom line is that the family is an important, incredible, fantastic, God-given institution that is meant to be exalted and cherished and respected. But, as much as we love our families and our fathers, we must love and exalt our Heavenly Father even more. For it was He who gave us life, rescued us from the darkness, granted us redemption, adopted us into His family, called us heirs, named us sons, and blessed us richly. I think the final stanza of that old hymn, A Christian Home, by Barbara B. Hart and Jean Sibelius sums it up well:

"O Lord, our God, our homes are Thine forever! We trust to Thee their problems, toil, and care. Their bonds of love no enemy can sever if Thou art always Lord and Master there. Be Thou the Center of our least endeavor. Be Thou our Guest, our hearts and homes to share."

Daddy's Daughter: Insights on My Dad's Sermon

As today is Mother's Day, my dad preached a special sermon from 1 Samuel 2:1-10, called A Mother's Prayer. In this passage, the Lord reveals to us two distinct traits a godly mother has:

1. First, a godly mother knows her God. She is seeking to know the Lord and His truth better and better every day. She seeks to understand God's goodness, His holiness, His power and His sovereignty. She wants to know God more.
2. Secondly, a godly mother responds rightly to her God. What is the right response to God, you ask? It's on our knees, humbly recognizing our total dependence and neediness of God. We're absolutely nothing without Him. We must recognize that and respond accordingly.

Though in this context the light is focused on mothers, these apply to every one. These two things show us as daughters, aunts, dads, grandpas, cousins, and every thing in between how we can be godly people.